Can I take back representative payee status for my disabled son's SS benefits from ex-husband?

I worked for SSA for over 12 years, and I can provide some guidance. The representative payee situation isn't automatically determined by physical custody, though that is a major factor SSA considers. SSA's primary concern is determining who will best manage the benefits in the child's interest.If you believe your ex-husband is misusing the benefits, you should definitely report this to SSA. You'll need to provide specific evidence of misuse - vague suspicions won't be enough. Examples might include:- Benefits not being used for your son's food, clothing, or shelter- Money disappearing without explanation- Your son lacking necessities while receiving benefitsTo challenge the current payee arrangement, contact your local SSA office and request to file form SSA-11-BK (Request to be Selected as Payee). Explain your concerns about potential misuse. SSA will investigate and may interview your son if he's mature enough to provide input.

Thank you so much for this detailed information! This is exactly what I needed. I've been documenting instances where my son has mentioned needing clothes or school supplies his dad wouldn't buy, even though the benefit money should cover those expenses. I'll definitely compile this evidence and file that form. Do you know if they typically interview the child in these cases, even if the other parent objects?

Having been through something similar with my granddaughter's benefits, I can tell you it's an uphill battle if your son lives with his dad. The SSA STRONGLY prefers the custodial parent to be the representative payee. I tried for TWO YEARS to get my daughter removed as payee when she was clearly spending the money inappropriately!!!My advice: document EVERYTHING. Get receipts if possible showing your ex isn't spending on your son's needs. Have your son document when he asks for necessities and is denied. The more PROOF you have, the better your chances.Representative payees are supposed to file annual reports showing how benefits were spent. You might want to request copies of these reports through SSA to see if there are discrepancies.

This is really helpful perspective, thank you. I hadn't thought about the annual reports - I'll definitely request those. My son has been telling me that his dad makes him use the benefits to pay for half of all household groceries and utilities, which doesn't seem right since these are his benefits. I'll start having him keep better documentation of what happens with the money.

I went through this exact situation last year with my ex and our daughter's survivors benefits (from my late second husband). What finally worked for me was having my daughter (16 at the time) speak directly to the SSA representative about how her dad was using her benefits.Since your son is 17, SSA will likely take his input seriously. If he confirms that his dad is misusing the funds, that carries a lot of weight. Also, you might want to check out Claimyr (claimyr.com) - it helped me actually reach a live SSA agent quickly instead of waiting on hold forever. They have a video demo at https://youtu.be/Z-BRbJw3puU that shows how it works. Getting through to the right person made all the difference in my case.One more thing - since your son is almost 18, is he planning to attend college? If so, the benefits can continue until he's 19 if he's still in high school, but you might want to focus on ensuring the money is being saved appropriately for his education.

I just checked out that Claimyr thing and it actually works! I was able to get through to SSA in like 15 mins after trying for DAYS on my own. thx for sharing this!!

not to be that person but when kids turn 18 they can be their own payee anyway so this might resolve itself soon? just saying maybe focus on making sure ur ex isnt blowing through any saved up money before then

That's actually a really good point I hadn't considered. He turns 18 in about 7 months, but I'm concerned about what's happening to the money right now. There should be some savings accumulated, and I'm worried that's being depleted. But you're right that at least this particular problem has an end date.

The Representative Payee Program has clear guidelines about benefit usage. Benefits must be used for the beneficiary's current needs (food, housing, medical care, personal items) or saved if not needed for current expenses. The key here is documenting misuse.Per SSA policy, when evaluating payee changes, they consider:1. The child's preference (if age appropriate)2. Who has custody3. Who has demonstrated concern for the child4. Who has a positive relationship with the child5. Who is in the best position to know about and look after the child's needsI'd recommend two approaches:1. File form SSA-623 (Request for Change in Representative Payee)2. File a formal misuse allegation at your local officeSince your son is 17, his preference will carry significant weight. If he can articulately explain why he believes the funds are being misused, that will strengthen your case considerably.

This is good advice, but let's be real - SSA doesnt always follow their own rules. I've seen MANY cases where they just default to whoever has physical custody no matter what. The system is BROKEN and favors whoever has the kid living with them regardless of whether theyre actually good with money!! Its infuriating!!!!

My ex did the EXACT SAME THING with my daughter's benefits!!!! He used HER money to pay HIS rent and bills and when I complained to SSA they did NOTHING!!! They said since she lived with him, he was \

I'm so sorry you went through this. That's exactly what I'm afraid of happening. It makes me sick thinking about this money that should be for my son's future just disappearing into my ex's household expenses. Did you ever find any resolution or was there nothing that could be done?

Since your son is 17, this might be a situation where you should pick your battles. The appeals process can take months, and by then he might be turning 18 anyway. If your son continues his education, make sure he knows he might be eligible for continued benefits until age 19 as long as he's a full-time student at a secondary school.Instead of fighting for payee status, you might have more success requesting a payee accounting from SSA. As a parent, you can request that his father provide an accounting of how the funds have been spent. This puts him on notice that someone is watching without getting into a full battle over payee status.If there's substantial evidence of misuse, SSA can retroactively hold the payee responsible, even after your son turns 18.

This is really practical advice. Sometimes you have to be strategic rather than fighting everything. A payee accounting request puts the ex on notice without having to win the bigger battle.

my bro got disability n his ex wife took the kids n the benefits too. he got the payee status back when he could prove she wasnt buying the kids clothes n stuff. do u have any texts or emails where ur son asked 4 things his dad wouldn't buy? that helped my bro's case alot

Yes, I do have some texts! My son has texted me several times asking if I could send him money for things his dad said

One important factor here is whether your son qualifies as capable of directing his benefit payments. At 17, SSA may consider him capable of providing input on how his benefits are managed, even if he can't be his own payee yet.If your son is willing, he could provide a signed statement to SSA indicating his preference for who serves as his representative payee and why. While not determinative, such direct beneficiary input carries significant weight in SSA's evaluation.Also, if you can demonstrate that you've been consistently providing direct support to your son (sending money, purchasing items he needs) despite not having the benefit payments, this strengthens your position as someone actively concerned with his welfare despite the distance.

This is excellent advice. When my daughter was 16, her direct statement to SSA about her preference actually made the difference in our case. The SSA representative told me they take adolescents' input very seriously in these situations, especially when they're approaching adulthood.

wont ur son be 18 soon anyway? then he can just get the money himself right?

Yes, he turns 18 in about 7 months. But I'm worried about what's happening to the money right now - that's over $8,700 before he turns 18. And there should already be some money saved up from previous payments that I'm concerned is being depleted.

I'm really sorry you're going through this - it's so frustrating when you're trying to protect your child's financial future but feel powerless. As someone who has dealt with SSA bureaucracy for years, I'd suggest focusing on the strongest evidence you can gather quickly since time is limited. The fact that your son is texting you asking for money for basic necessities is actually pretty compelling evidence. Keep screenshots of all those conversations. Also, if you've been sending him money for things his dad should be covering with the benefits, keep records of those payments too. One strategy that might work faster than a full payee change: contact SSA and request an immediate review of your ex's payee performance. Tell them you have evidence of potential misuse and want them to require him to provide a detailed accounting of recent expenditures. This puts him on notice and might make him more careful with the money even if you don't get payee status back. Since your son is 17, definitely encourage him to speak up if SSA contacts him. His voice will carry real weight at his age. And honestly, even if this battle takes months, it's worth it for the precedent - if there are savings being misused, SSA can hold your ex accountable even after your son turns 18. Stay strong and don't let people tell you this isn't worth fighting for. Your son's future matters.

I went through something very similar with my nephew's benefits when his father was clearly misusing the funds. What really helped our case was creating a detailed timeline showing the pattern of misuse - dates when my nephew asked for basic necessities, what was denied, and any expenses we could verify the father was covering instead (like his own bills). Since your son is 17, his testimony will be crucial. Consider having him write a formal statement about how the benefits are being used, including specific examples of when he's been told there's "no money" for his needs while knowing the benefits are coming in monthly. SSA takes direct beneficiary statements very seriously, especially from older teens. Also, don't underestimate the power of requesting those annual payee reports that were mentioned earlier. If your ex has been filing them (which he's required to do), inconsistencies between what he reports spending and what your son actually receives can be very damaging to his case. The fact that you've been supplementing your son's needs with your own money despite being on SSDI actually works in your favor - it shows genuine concern for his welfare versus someone who might just want control of the funds. Document every penny you've sent or spent on him. Good luck, and don't give up. Your son's future financial security is absolutely worth fighting for, even if it's just for these last several months before he turns 18.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this situation - it's heartbreaking when you feel like your child's financial security is at risk. From what I'm reading here, you actually have a stronger case than you might think, especially with your son being 17 and able to provide meaningful input to SSA. The texts from your son asking for money for basic necessities could be really powerful evidence. I'd suggest creating a folder with screenshots of every conversation where he's mentioned needing something his dad wouldn't buy with the benefit money. Also keep records of any money you've sent him for these items - it shows a pattern of the benefits not being used appropriately. One thing I'd add to the great advice already given here - consider asking your son if he'd be comfortable having a three-way call with you and SSA (if they allow it) or at least encourage him to be honest with them if they interview him separately. At 17, his voice really matters in this process. The timing is tight, but even if this takes several months to resolve, any misused funds can potentially be recovered. And honestly, establishing this precedent now might help protect any future benefits or savings your son might be entitled to. Don't let people convince you this isn't worth fighting for - your instincts as a parent are valid, and $1,250/month adds up quickly. Keep documenting everything and stay strong. Your son is lucky to have someone advocating for his future like this.

I'm a newcomer here but wanted to share what I learned when I faced a similar situation with my daughter's SSI benefits. The key thing that helped me was understanding that SSA has a specific process for investigating payee misuse allegations, and they take them seriously when you have solid documentation. What really made the difference in my case was keeping a detailed log of specific instances - not just "he's not spending the money right" but actual examples with dates. Like "On [date], son texted asking for $20 for school supplies, said dad told him there was no money." Screenshot everything. Also, since your son is 17, definitely encourage him to be completely honest with SSA if they contact him. At that age, they really do consider his input heavily. One thing that surprised me was that SSA told me they look at the "best interest of the beneficiary" more than just who has physical custody, especially when the child is older. The timeline is tight with him turning 18 soon, but don't let that discourage you. Even if it takes months, any misused funds can potentially be recovered, and more importantly, you're protecting what savings should already be there from previous months. That money belongs to your son's future, not your ex's household budget. File that form SSA-623 and request an immediate accounting of how the benefits have been spent. Sometimes just knowing someone is watching makes people more careful with the money. You're doing the right thing advocating for your son - don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

As someone new to this community but unfortunately familiar with representative payee issues, I wanted to add my perspective. I went through a very similar situation with my ex-wife and my disabled daughter's benefits about two years ago. The most important thing I learned is that SSA really does investigate misuse allegations thoroughly when you provide concrete evidence. Don't let people tell you it's hopeless just because your son lives with his dad - I was told the same thing, but ultimately succeeded in getting payee status back. Here's what worked for me: I created a simple spreadsheet tracking every instance where my daughter needed something basic (clothes, school supplies, medical co-pays) that should have been covered by her $1,100/month in benefits, but my ex claimed there was "no money." I included dates, what was needed, screenshots of our conversations, and receipts showing I ended up paying for these things myself. Your son being 17 is actually a huge advantage - SSA will absolutely consider his input seriously. When they interviewed my daughter (she was 16), her honest account of how the money was being used carried more weight than all my documentation combined. One practical tip: when you file the SSA-623, also request an emergency review citing potential financial exploitation of a minor. The word "exploitation" gets their attention faster than "misuse." And definitely request copies of all payee accounting reports your ex has filed - inconsistencies between what he reports and reality are smoking guns. Don't give up. Your son's financial future is worth fighting for, even if it's just for these final months. Sometimes the fight itself prevents further misuse, even if the formal process takes time.