How do I handle itemized vs standard deductions when filing married filing separately and ex-wife won't cooperate?

So here's my situation. My ex and I finalized our divorce in June 2024 after being separated for most of 2023. During the separation period last year, we both purchased our own homes. I'm looking at my tax options for 2023 (filing in early 2025), and it makes way more sense for me to itemize my deductions. My mortgage interest alone puts me well above the standard deduction amount. I'd be throwing away thousands in deductions if I didn't itemize. The problem is my ex bought an even more expensive house than I did, so she would probably benefit from itemizing too, but whenever I try to discuss our filing strategy, she just ignores me or gives vague answers. Can I just go ahead and file with itemized deductions without her agreement? If I choose to itemize my deductions when filing married filing separately, does that force her to itemize too? Or can she still choose standard? What happens if we file different ways? I really need to maximize my refund this year after all the divorce expenses.

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20 comments

Olivia Evans

•8M

When you file married filing separately, if one spouse itemizes deductions, the other spouse MUST also itemize - even if the standard deduction would be more beneficial for them. This is one of those IRS rules designed to prevent certain tax strategies between spouses. So yes, if you choose to itemize, your ex-wife will be required to itemize as well, even if the standard deduction would be better for her. Given that you both purchased homes, itemizing might actually benefit both of you due to the mortgage interest deduction. I'd suggest sending her a clear written communication (email works well) explaining that you plan to itemize because of your mortgage interest, and that this means she'll need to itemize too. Include that this might actually benefit her as well given her home purchase. Sometimes presenting the financial benefit clearly can help overcome communication barriers.

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Olivia Evans

•8M

If she files with the standard deduction after you've already filed with itemized deductions, her return will likely be rejected or flagged by the IRS because it violates their rules for married filing separately. The IRS system will catch the discrepancy. You don't need to coordinate the timing of your filings - you can file whenever you're ready. If you file first with itemized deductions, the burden shifts to her to comply with the matching requirement when she files. The IRS will deal with any non-compliance on her part.

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Aiden Chen

•8M

I went through almost the exact same situation last year and tried to figure it out myself for weeks. Finally used https://taxr.ai because they specialize in analyzing documents and complicated tax situations. I uploaded my divorce decree, mortgage docs, and previous years' returns, and they spelled out exactly what I needed to do. They confirmed what the first commenter said - if one spouse itemizes on MFS, the other HAS to itemize too. Their analysis showed that both me and my ex would benefit from itemizing, and they gave me exact language to use when communicating with her that finally got through.

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Aiden Chen

•8M

The basic document analysis is free, but there are premium features if you need more detailed help. They have different tiers depending on how complex your situation is. They gave me both - general guidelines about the MFS filing requirements and specific projections based on the documents I uploaded. They showed exactly how much I'd save by itemizing vs standard deduction. For your communication issue, they have templates specifically for tax discussions between ex-spouses that keep things professional and focused on the financial benefit to both parties.

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Christopher Morgan

•8M

Just wanted to update that I tried https://taxr.ai after seeing it mentioned here. I was really skeptical but uploaded my mortgage statements and divorce papers. Within hours I got a detailed breakdown showing I'd save over $3,800 by itemizing vs standard deduction with MFS. Even better, they provided a simple one-page document I could send to my ex that clearly explained why itemizing would benefit her too (would save her about $2,900). No emotional language, just numbers and IRS rules. She actually responded and agreed to itemize! First civil conversation we've had in months.

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Aurora St.Pierre

•8M

If you're having trouble getting responses from your ex, you might want to try Claimyr (https://claimyr.com). I was in a similar situation where my ex was ignoring all my tax-related communications, and I needed guidance from the IRS about our filing obligations after separation. Trying to call the IRS myself was a nightmare - kept getting disconnected after waiting for hours. Claimyr got me connected to an actual IRS agent in under 20 minutes who confirmed the rules about married filing separately and itemizing. They also documented the call so I had proof I was trying to comply with regulations. You can see how it works here: https://youtu.be/_kiP6q8DX5c Having that official answer from the IRS gave me the confidence to proceed with my return and provided documentation that I tried to communicate the requirements to my ex.

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Aurora St.Pierre

•8M

It's not a special line - they use technology to navigate the IRS phone system and wait on hold for you. When they reach a human agent, you get a call back to connect with them. It's basically like having someone wait on hold in your place. They use automated systems to continuously call and navigate the IRS phone tree until they get through. Once they reach an agent, you get an immediate call connecting you. I was skeptical too until I tried it. The documentation part was particularly helpful for my situation since I needed proof I sought clarification on the filing requirements.

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Jayden Reed

•8M

Had to come back and eat my words. After posting my skeptical comment, I decided to try Claimyr anyway out of desperation. I seriously couldn't believe it when they called me back in about 35 minutes with an actual IRS agent on the line. The agent confirmed everything about the itemized deduction rule for married filing separately AND helped me understand some options I hadn't considered. They explained that since we were divorced in 2024, we're still considered married for the entire 2023 tax year, but for 2024 taxes (filing in 2025) we can file as single or head of household. Saved me hours of frustration and probably prevented me from making a mistake on my return. Worth every penny for the stress reduction alone.

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Olivia Evans

•8M

With children and married filing separately, only one parent can claim each child as a dependent. Usually, the parent who had the child living with them for more than half the year (the custodial parent) gets to claim the child. If you're the custodial parent and itemizing deductions, you can still claim the child tax credit for that child. However, be aware that MFS status does limit or eliminate some tax benefits like education credits, child and dependent care credit, and earned income credit. I'd recommend running the numbers both ways (one parent claiming both kids vs. splitting them) to see which arrangement provides the best overall tax situation for both parties, considering that you both must itemize if one of you does.

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Ivanna St. Pierre

•4M

Just want to emphasize something important that might get overlooked - make sure you keep detailed records of ALL your attempts to communicate with your ex about the filing requirements. Save emails, text messages, certified mail receipts, etc. If the IRS ever questions why there was a mismatch in filing methods (if she tries to take the standard deduction after you itemize), having documentation that you properly notified her of the requirement can protect you from penalties. The IRS understands that divorced couples don't always cooperate, but they expect the spouse who chooses to itemize to make a reasonable effort to inform the other spouse. Also, consider having your tax preparer send a formal letter to her explaining the requirement - sometimes official communication from a third party gets through when direct communication doesn't. This also creates a paper trail showing you followed proper procedure.

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